In 1938, Harvard University launched a longitudinal study of human behavior. (Longitudinal means they studied the same group of people for a long period of time.) They signed up 724 men from the sophomore class and conducted in-depth interviews about their lives every 2 years and full physical exams every 5 years. (In 1938, there were no women attending Harvard.) One of the men in the study was President John F. Kennedy.
The most recent data point I found indicated that 9 years ago, 19 men were still alive and participating in the study. All of those would be over 100 years old.
One set of questions revolved around how happy their lives had been. Those answers were correlated with other aspects of their lives. The conclusion was that the happiest lives weren’t those that had made the most money, had become famous, or had the most power. The happiest lives were those with the most close relationships - dogs, cats, and horses count.
For a few of us, ducks count.
If relationships are what make us happy, what skills do we need to nurture close relationships? The New York Times is publishing a series of good articles on building close relationships. The #1 answer is good listening. Good listening skills are the single most important behavior that creates close relationships.
So... what listening skills do we need to cultivate? Here is a partial list:
Summarize what the speaker said. This lets the speaker know that you heard what was said:
Donna: Pure Hope uses horses trained as therapy horses, and the results are surprisingly good.
Bob: Horses are trained to do therapy.
Ask a question.
Bob: What happens in an equine therapy session?
Identify the emotion. Put a word to the emotion. (This demonstrates empathy.) Do it in a declarative sentence, not a question. If you get it wrong, the speaker will correct you.
Bob: You are excited when you return from Pure Hope Ranch.
Share a similar experience. Follow your similar experience with a question. You don’t want to take the floor away from the speaker. You are being a good listener.
Bob: Daughter Leslie had a horse when she was in Junior High and High School. They developed a deep bond, and it was a highlight of that time in Leslie’s life. Did you ride horses as a young girl?
When your kids reach the age when they start job interviews, tell them that being a good listener is a crucial skill in that setting. Do research, go into the interview with a question that shows you‘ve done research.
Good listening isn’t about staying quiet until it is your turn to talk. Listening is about taking an interest in the other person and finding common ground.
No one ever listened their way out of a job.
